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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

40 SLS - TAKE IT TO THE STREETS

01. Time's Mistake
02. A Traitor's Dedication
03. Live And Regret
04. Dead To Me
05. Less Than Nothing
06. To The Top
07. All In


BRIEF REVIEW:

I FUCKING LOVE HOW A BUNCH OF WIGGER TOUGH GUY FAGGOTS ATTEMPT TO FRONT OFF AS IF THEY'RE IN A BRUTAL HARDCORE BAND WHEN THEIR BULLSHIT IS NOTHING BUT MERELY POWER-CHORD METALCORE. NON-CREATIVITY HAS FINALLY TAKEN A PEAK YOU TALENTLESSLY HANDICAPPED HOMOSEXUALS! WHAT BRAND NAMES AND LABELS ARE YOU INTIMIDATING THUGS ENDORSED BY... EXCO WEAR AND DEATH ROW RECORDS? NO, OF COURSE NOT. YOU'D NEVER SIGN A CONTRACT WITH A REAL NEGROID ENTERPRISE. BECAUSE THE MINUTE ANY OF YOU POST-SCENE KIDS RUN INTO A REAL NIGGER ON THE STREET TEN KILOMETERS WITHIN THE VISCINITY OF A REAL HOOD, YOUR FACE TURNS PALE AND YOUR FUCKING BODY SHRIVELS UP TO THE POINT OF PARALYSIS. THE ONLY FURY YOU CAN REIGN IS WITHIN THE TINY ASS CIRCUMFERENCE OF THAT PIT IN YOUR GAY-ASS HOMOSEXUALLY-ENCHANTED SHOWS  FULL OF WHITE, BALD-SHAVED MEATHEADS! WAY TO PICK UP LADIES ON A FRIDAY NIGHT YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I HAVE FINALLY DEVISED 101 RULES OF HARDCORE/METALCORE. THIS IS THE NEWER VERSION THAT APPLIES MORE TO THIS CURRENT GENERATION OF SCENE KIDS, UNLIKE THE VERY PREVIOUS POST BEFORE THIS ONE WHERE THE LIST WAS MORE RELEVANT BACK IN Y2K. NO FUCKING SURPRISE FOR A SCENE THAT CHANGES AS SWIFTLY AS THE FORECASTING OF TRENDS ON MTV.

LOW AND BEHOLD, 101 RULES OF METALCORE:

1. YOU MUST PLAY IN A BAND REGARDLESS OF YOUR LEVEL OF SKILL ON AN INSTRUMENT.

2. IF YOU CAN'T PLAY IN A BAND, NEVER ADMIT YOUR INCOMPETENCE. TAG ALONG AS A (A) TOURING ROADIE, (B) MERCH GUY, (C) LIGHTS GUY, (D) GRAPHIC DESIGNER, (E) INDEPENDENT PROMOTER OR (F) SOUND GUY, OR (G) THE PIT BOSS.

3. ALWAYS START YOUR SHOW WITH AN OPENING CHORD ANTICIPATING FOR A BREAKDOWN WITH YOUR VOCALIST HOWLING "WHAT THE FUCK IS UP [SO-AND-SO CITY] I WANT TO SEE YOU WRECK THE FUCKING VENUE TONIGHT!"

4. BE ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS AS TO WHY THE VENUE OWNER AND SECURITY FUCKING HATES YOUR BAND AFTER.

5. BEFORE A BREAKDOWN, MAKE SURE YOUR MOSH-CALLS INSULT THE MASCULINITY OF YOUR AUDIENCE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. "LET'S SEE YOU MOVE YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!" IS ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE THIS INTIMIDATES THE CROWD WHO NOW FEELS THE NEED TO PROVE THEIR MANLIHOOD.

6. WHEN THE PACE OF THE SONG PICKS UP, ALWAYS CALL OUT FOR A CIRCLE PIT, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER BEEN IN A CIRCLE PIT YOURSELF AND IN FACT CAN'T STAND CIRCLE PITS, HAD YOU BEEN AN AUDIENCE INSTEAD OF A PERFORMER.

7. DURING YOUR BAND'S GROOVY TWO-STEP PART, MAKE SURE YOU TWO-STEP ON STAGE FIRST IN ORDER TO INDICATE THAT EVERYONE MUST TWO-STEP. MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO.

8. WHEN OPENING UP FOR A HUGE SHOW THAT DRAWS OUT THE ENTIRE CITY AND SURROUNDING TOWNS, ALWAYS GIVE SHOUT-OUTS TO THE OPENING BANDS AND MAIN ACTS AS IF YOU'RE TIGHT-KNIT FAMILY MEMBERS.

9. AFTER YOUR SET, BE TOO SHY TO SPEAK TO THOSE DUDES WHO SLEPT IN THEIR VAN DURING YOUR SET AND COULDN’T GIVE LESS OF A FUCK ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE.

10. THEN YOU UPDATE YOUR "TOURED-WITH" LIST ON MYSPACE THAT NIGHT SO IT BECOMES LIKE A PLAQUE TO YOUR WALL OF FAME.

11. BUT NEVER GIVE SHOUT-OUTS TO THE BILLED BANDS THAT ARE NON-HARDCORE, THOSE FUCKING POSERS.

12. START THE SET WITH A BREAKDOWN, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, END THE SET WITH A BREAKDOWN SHOUTING "THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE MOTHERFUCKERS, LET'S SEE YOU MOVE FOR THE LAST TIME!" EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE FIVE OTHER BANDS PLAYING THE EXACT SAME BREAKDOWN AFTER YOU STEP OFF THE STAGE. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY.

13. ONCE MINGLING WITH THE AUDIENCE AND TALK ABOUT THE CURRENT STATE OF THE SCENE, COMPLAIN THAT ALL BANDS SOUND THE SAME AND THERE ISN'T ORIGINALITY ANYMORE.

14. ADD A SYNTH PLAYER INTO THE BAND ONLY TO KICK HIM OUT THREE MONTHS AFTER BECAUSE HE/SHE "DOESN'T FIT THE SOUND".

15. YOU GO THROUGH MEMBER CHANGES AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH.

16. YOU SPEND MORE MONEY ON YOUR PROMO SHOTS AND FANCY MYSPACE PAGE THAN YOUR MUSIC AND RECORDINGS.

17. YOU USE A MYSPACE BOT TO RANDOMLY ADD PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD BY THE SECOND, SO BY THE TIME YOUR FIRST FAN CHECKS OUT YOUR PAGE, HE'S IMPRESSED THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GOT 200,000 FRIENDS.

18. WHEN YOU ARE RECORDING OR TOURING, ALWAYS HAVE A VIDEO BLOG FEATURING ALL THE TRIVIAL BLOOPERS AND JOKES THAT ARE ONLY FUNNY TO YOURSELF AND YOUR INNER CIRCLE OF FRIENDS THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING KNOWS NOT ABOUT. 

19. ALWAYS HATE ON WARPED TOUR. THAT IS, UNTIL THEY ARE ABOUT TO COME TO YOUR TOWN. THEN YOU FRANTICALLY ACCESS EVERY INTERNET COMMUNITY POSSIBLE TRYING TO GET VOTES/ENDORSEMENTS FOR YOUR BAND TO PLAY ON THERE. 

20. BREAK UP SIX MONTHS LATER. INDICATE THAT IT'S NO BEEF BUT DUE TO "PERSONAL REASONS" OR "CREATIVE DIFFERENCES" THAT EVERYONE PARTED WAY. 

21. ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW DEEP INSIDE THAT IT'S BECAUSE YOUR GUITARIST IS DATING YOUR EX WHO'S THE DRUMMER'S SISTER, WHO YOUR BASSIST WAS ALSO COMPETING FOR UNTIL SHIT HIT THE FAN. 

22. START ANOTHER BAND WITH 1/4TH OF THE PREVIOUS MEMBERS (BECAUSE YOU GUYS STILL GET ALONG) AND CREATE ANOTHER BAND THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM THE SUB-GENRE OF YOUR PREVIOUS BAND. 

23. IF YOU WERE IN A METALCORE/MOSHCORE BAND, YOU HAVE TO PLAY STRAIGHT-UP PUNK-HARDCORE AFTER ITS DEMISE. MUST. 

24. IF YOU WERE MORE MELODIC OR POST-HARDCORE, THEN START A POP PUNK OR ELECTRO-POP GROUP. 

25. IF YOU’RE A SELF-PROCLAIMED HARDCORE BAND, NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU LISTEN TO METALCORE. EVEN THOUGH YOUR MUSIC RESEMBLE ELEMENTS OF IT. 

26. CLAIM TO HAVE LISTENED TO EVERY TIME I DIE AND EIGHTEEN VISIONS BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN THEY ‘WERE GOOD’. 

27. WHEN TALKING ABOUT HELLFEST, ALWAYS MENTION THAT YOU WERE THERE IN 2008 AND CONTRIBUTED IN TEARING DOWN THE FUCKING VENUE AND SETTING THE ROOF ON FIRE. BOAST THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE REASON WHY HELLFEST WAS BANISHED FOREVER. 

28. WHAT WERE THE BEST BANDS ON THAT BILL? FOOLISH QUESTION! CONVERGE AND SHAI HULUD, OBVIOUSLY! 

29. YOU MOSHED SO HARD FOR SHAI HULUD THAT YOUR ARMS WENT OUT OF SERVICE FOR A WEEK. 

30. WHEN MOSHING, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ALL THE GENERIC MOVES DOWN SO THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE OUT OF THE ORDINARY BECAUSE THEN YOU'D GET DONKEY KICKED. 

31. BUT ALSO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THAT ONE SIGNATURE MOVE IN WHICH YOU PULL AT THE END OF WHOLE CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE. THAT'S THE MOVE THAT MAKES YOU STAND OUT.

32. PREPARE AND CHOREOGRAPH A SPECIAL TAG-TEAM MOVE WITH YOUR CLOSEST BRO THAT LOOKS EITHER TREMENDOUSLY RIDICULOUS AND/OR HOMOSEXUAL.

33. GIVE IT A NAME, CALL IT LIKE THE WHEEL BARROW OR THE SPINNING AXIS OF DOOM. THE SKY'S THE LIMIT HERE.

34. CROWD KILLING IS A FAILSAFE WAY TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

35. ALWAYS MOSH SO CLOSE TO THE KID WHO YOU DISRESPECT OR HAVE BEEF WITH, AND "ACCIDENTALLY" HIT HIM AT LEAST ONCE.

36. WHEN HE PUSHES YOU BACK IN, DONKEY KICK HIM WITHOUT AIMING FROM A VERY SAFE DISTANCE.

37. IF YOU MISS, THEN REPEAT ROUTINE DURING THE NEXT BREAKDOWN.

38. IF YOU DO HIT HIM AND HE DOESN'T RETALIATE, BE COMPLACENT AND BOAST YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT HOW HE'S A FUCKING PUSSY.

39. BUT IF HE DOES RETALIATE, BRING IN ALL YOUR FRIENDS IN ON THIS. THIS WILL PROVOKE HIM TO BRING ALL HIS BUDDIES, WHICH ONE OF THOSE BUDDIES YOU KNOW AND RESPECT FROM SOMEWHERE. AFTER MUCH SHOUTING AND HAGGLING, STATE DIPLOMATICALLY THAT "YOU'RE AT A SHOW. EVERYONE GETS HURT. GET OVER IT MAN."

40. MAKE SURE BY THE END OF THE FIGHT, THERE STILL WEREN’T MUCH OF A FIGHT.

41. IF YOU'RE A BAND THAT'S PERFORMING IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS, ALWAYS STOP YOUR SET AND DENOUNCE WHAT IS GOING ON. THREATEN YOUR AUDIENCE MEMBERS TO NOT FIGHT OTHERWISE YOU'LL JUMP IN YOURSELF.

42. THEN AFTER YOUR SET, LAUGH ABOUT IT IN THE VAN LIKE IT WAS SO DOPE. GO HOME AND PROUDLY CONGRATULATE YOURSELVES ON MYSPACE, ALTHOUGH DO MENTION THAT FIGHTING IS "FROWNED UPON BY THE BAND".

43. DEVISE A TOUR FOR YOUR SURROUNDING TOWNS AND COUNTIES WITH THE BAND YOU'RE CLOSEST WITH, BY USING MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK TO ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENT PROMOTERS TO BOOK YOU.

44. ROCK OUT TO TEN KIDS ON A NIGHTLY BASIS FOR A MONTH OR TWO AND THEN CALL IT A SUCCESSFUL TOUR.

45. ASK FOR DONATIONS ALONG THE WAY BECAUSE YOUR VAN ALWAYS "UNEXPECTEDLY BREAKDOWN".

46. EVEN BETTER, ALL YOUR MERCH GOT STOLEN AND/OR YOUR VAN FLIPPED.

47. YOU'RE ALWAYS EITHER HOMELESS, EVICTED, MOVING, OR LIVING AT YOUR PARENTS’ BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER HOME AND ON TOUR ALL THE TIME.

48. MAKE SURE YOU CLASSIFY YOUR GENRE OF MUSIC SO RIGIDLY THAT IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THE LABEL MISTAKEN WITH SOMETHING ELSE. YOUR MUSIC IS "POST-MOSHCORE WITH A BRUSH OF SWEDISH DEATH METALCORE FEATURING SOME ELEMENTS OF THRASH FROM THE EIGHTIES (NOW INNOVATED AS THRASHCORE)".

49. WHEN ASKED TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN ONE OF THOSE GENRES WITH ANOTHER, MAKE SURE YOUR ANSWER IS SO OBSCURE THAT IT CONCEALS YOUR BLATANT IGNORANCE ON THE SUBJECT. IF THE ASKER FAILS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR DEFINITION, TELL THEM THEY NEED TO LISTEN TO MORE MUSIC.

50. ATTRIBUTE YOUR VERY FOUNDATIONAL INFLUENCES TO EIGHTIES PUNK AND NINETIES METAL. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU'RE WHITECHAPEL OR ASKING ALEXANDRIA OR RECON BRO… MINOR THREAT AND PANTERA WILL ALWAYS BE THE SOLE INSPIRATION.

51. NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE, YOU'RE ALWAYS A KID. A HARDCORE KID. NEVER A HARDCORE MAN, NO. THAT'S GAY BRAH.

52. ENGAGE IN BEHAVIOURS THAT ARE VERY HOMOSEXUAL WITH YOUR BRO'S AT ALL TIMES, BUT YET BE EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC. THREATEN TO YOUR FRIEND THAT YOU’LL BASH THAT GAY COUPLE OUT IF THEY WALK TOO CLOSE TO YOU.

53. THE MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER WHO YOU ADMIRE AND ARE DEALING WITH ARE ALWAYS AT LEAST TEN KILOMETRES AWAY IN A NEW TOWN.

54. BE MARRIED OR ENGAGED TO THE SAID SUBJECT ON FACEBOOK/MYSPACE.

55. POST REALLY CORNY MSN VIDEO CHAT PHOTOS FEATURING BOTH OF YOU IN A CONFERENCE.

56. START SHIT A LOAD OF DRAMA ONCE YOU DISCOVER ANOTHER MEMBER OF YOUR SEX IS WRITING ON HIS/HER WALL.

57. SHAVE YOUR EMO BANGS OFF TEN MONTHS LATER AND GO BALD. WEAR A NEW ERA HAT AND AN OBNOXIOUS COLLEGE-FONT SLOGAN SHIRT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A WIGGER. MAKE SURE IT'S A GOOD QUALITY PICTURE SO YOU LOOK SOLID ON FACEBOOK.

58. TWO PROMINENT HARDCORE PROMOTIONAL COMPANIES IN TOWN MUST NEVER GET ALONG. NOT BECAUSE OF THE COMPETITION IN BUSINESS. BUT RATHER BECAUSE YOUR COMPANY "MORE REFLECTS THE TRUE CULTURE OF HARDCORE".

59. WHEN A BAND SIGNS TO A MAJOR LABEL AND STARTS RECEIVING INTERNATIONAL RECOGNITION, ALWAYS RANT THAT YOU KNEW THEM BEFORE THEY ENTICED ALL THE BITTIES.

60. YOU GOTO THEIR SHOW AND HOOK UP WITH A BITTIE.

61. LEARN THAT SHE’S TERRIBLY UNDERAGED AFTERWARDS, AND DENY THE ENCOUNTER AT ALL COST.

62. IF YOU ARE A GIRL, YOU CLIMB UP THE SOCIOLOGICAL 'RESPECT' AND 'POPULARITY' HIERARCHY BY THE AMOUNT OF GUYS IN BANDS YOU KNOW AND/OR HAVE SLEPT WITH.

63. YOU STAND ON THE SIDE OF THEIR STAGE AND WATCH THEM PLAY IN ORDER TO EMPHASISE YOU'RE ONE LEVEL ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE.

64. YOU JUDGE THE BAND'S PERFORMANCE BASED UPON THE AMOUNT OF MOSH IT RECEIVES.

65. TO ADD MORE FLAVOR TO YOUR PERSONALITY, YOU EITHER BECOME CHRISTIAN, VEGAN AND/OR EDGE. THIS SHOWS THAT YOU HAVE A BIG HEART AND PARTAKE IN RELATED PHILANTHROPIC MOVEMENTS.

66. YOUR BAND MUST REFLECT YOUR CHRISTIAN, VEGAN AND/OR EDGE IDENTITY.

67. YOUR EDGE BAND BREAKS UP THE MINUTE A MEMBER BREAKS EDGE.

68. BREAK EDGE A FEW YEARS LATER YOURSELF TOO, AND BECOME A CLUBBER.

69. UPGRADE FROM BEING A CLUBBER TO A CLUB PROMOTER.

70. UPGRADE FROM BEING A CLUB PROMOTER TO A DJ SPINNING DUBSTEP.

71. RETURN TO EVERY ODD HARDCORE SHOW ONCE EVERY BLUE MOON TO SHOW OFF YOUR NEW SWAG.

72. OUT OF ALL YOUR MERCH, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST ONE JERSEY AND A PAIR OF ATHLETIC SHORTS.

73. YOU ARE INVINCIBLE AT A SHOW WHEN YOU SPORT THEM.

74. BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE AND GET KICKED OUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE SHOW. ONCE OUTSIDE, YOU ACCUSE THE SHITTY VENUE FOR ITS FLAWED SECURITY AND THREATEN TO BOYCOTT THE ESTABLISHMENT.

75. MAKE FUN OF SCENE KIDS WITH PIXIE CUTS ALL DAY ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU FEW YEARS AGO.

76. SHAVE YOUR HEAD AGAIN JUST TO STRESS THE DIFFERENCE A LITTLE MORE.

77. PAY $45 FOR A HATEBREED SHOW ONLY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF METALHEADS THERE. 

78. COMPLAIN AT ALL TIMES ABOUT THE STATE OF THE SCENE, REGARDLESS OF WHEN IT IS, AND HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN AROUND FOR. 

79. YOU MAKE FUN OF LIFERUINER BUT ALWAYS GO SEE THEM AND MOSH YOUR HARDEST EVERY TIME THEY PLAY IN YOUR TOWN. 

80. YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW THE FULL STORY BEHIND THE BAND. 

81. WHEN TWO OR MORE PARTIES DISPUTE THEIR VERSION OF THOSE STORIES, YOU CLAIM YOUR ACCOUNT IS THE MOST ACCURATE. 

82. IN A HEATED ARGUMENT, YOU NOW START SCREAMING LOUDLY "THIS IS MY CONVICTION, XSUCKXMYXDICKX !!!" 

83. YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES AND STILL UNEMPLOYED. 

84. START YOUR OWN CLOTHING LINE AND FAIL MISERABLY. 

85. THAT’S OKAY, BECAUSE YOU STILL KNOW AND TALK TO THE COUSIN OF THE EX OF THE SISTER OF THE GUY WHO FOUNDED TRIBUNAL RECORDS. HE’LL HELP YOUR BUSINESS ENTERPRISE SOME DAY. 

86. GOTO COLLEGE FOR SOMETHING REALLY IMPRACTICAL, LIKE ART OR TELECOMMUNICATIONS. BOAST ABOUT IT TO ALL YOUR UNEMPLOYED PEERS AT SHOWS. 

87. BE BROKE AT ALL TIMES. 

88. ALL YOUR EARNINGS GO TOWARDS YOUR TATTOOS. 

89. IF YOU GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS, ALWAYS MOVE INTO THE CITY AFTER GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND LIVE IN A PRIORITY AREA FOR CHEAP RENT.

90. GET ACCUSTOMED TO THE GHETTO ENVIRONMENT AND ACT HARD, EVEN THOUGH YOUR PARENTS BACK HOME ARE THE ONES PROVIDING FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR YOUR RENT OUT OF THEIR MUTUAL FUNDS. 

91. YOU LIE TO YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THE RENT COST IN ORDER TO ACCUMULATE MORE FOR TATTOOS. 

92. LIE ABOUT YOUR PARENTS TO THE STATE AND APPLY FOR SOCIAL ASSISTANCE. 

93. MOVE BACK TO YOUR HOME TOWN HALF A YEAR LATER DUE TO FAILED RELATIONSHIPS AND DRAMA. 

94. DROP OUT OF THE HARDCORE SCENE AFTERWARDS AND CLAIM “I’VE GOTTEN OVER THAT SILLY STAGE OF MY LIFE, I’M A BETTER PERSON NOW.” 

95. YET STILL REPRESENT ALL CHARACTERISTICS OF A SCENE SNOB. BE REALLY POMPOUS, ARROGANT AND SUPERFICIAL. 

96. BUDDY INTRODUCES YOU TO A BAND. BEFORE YOU HEAR IT, YOUR SOLE CONCERN IS "DO THEY HAVE ANY GOOD MOSH PARTS?" 

97. NOWADAYS, BE VERY MULTICULTURAL WITH YOUR BAND. HAVING A BLACK VOCALIST AND/OR OTHER MEXICAN OR ASIAN MEMBERS ARE AN ASSET TO GETTING YOUR METALCORE AND DEATHCORE BANDS RECOGNIZED. 

98. IF YOU ARE A GIRL, NEVER ATTEND SHOWS FOR THE MUSIC. 

99. DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR AT ALL. ASSUME A FEW SEGMENT OF THIS LIST WAS PERSONALLY WRITTEN ABOUT YOU, AND GET VERY, VERY OFFENDED. 

100. OR CLAIM THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HARDCORE AT ALL, AND THE LIST IS STUPID. 

101. GO TALK A LOT OF SHIT ON LAMBGOAT OR BRIDGE NINE.

8 comments:

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