1. Ticket For the Paralyzer, A2. 10 Signs You Should Leave
3. When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong
4. Rusted Over Wet Dreams
5. You Got a Henna Tattoo That Said Forever
6. Travis Bickle
7. Sleeping Princess in Devil's Castle
8. Key to Keeping the Show Fresh Is...I'm Dead, The
9. It's Not Just a Party, It's a Funeral
10. When Everything Goes Wrong Take the Easy Way Out
Brief Review:
I FUCKING LOVE THE BRILLIANT DEDUCTIVE LOGIC OF MAJORITY OF YOU FAGGOT METALHEAD WHO HAS HALF THE AUDACITY TO CRITIQUE MY WEBSITE... BECAUSE THE SHEER INTELLIGENCE POSSESSED BY YOUR BIOLOGICAL SUPERIORITY WILL NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME. IT USUALLY GOES SOMETHING ALONG THE UNFATHOMABLY INGENIOUS LINES OF THIS...
"HMM, I KNOW! *WHILE SCRATCHING YOUR GIFTED BABOON HEAD* ... IF THIS GUY SITS ON HIS FAT UNSANITIZED ASS ALL DAY AND RIDICULES METALHEADS FOR HOW PATHETIC THEY ARE, THEN HE MUST BE A SILLY DRAPE-HAIRED EMO KID!"
YEAH, JACKPOT, DEXTER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE "YOU'RE A VIRGIN" FOR $400 YOU FUCKING PATHETIC SORE LOSER? IF I MUST BE ANYONE WHO POTENTIALLY HATES A METALHEAD, THEN I MUST BE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:
YOU DILDOS TEND TO LIKE TO BELIEVE YOU'RE SOME SORT OF ELITE COLLECTIVE. THIS TYPE OF DELUSION TEND TO OVERSHADOW THE REALITY OF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ALL NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FAT, HIDEOUS FUCKING SOCIALLY INEPT LOSERS WHO HAVE NEVER FELT THE MOISTURE OF A VAGINAL CONCAVE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL LIFE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SITE, YOU'RE WASTING MY BANDWIDTH WITH YOUR SLOW, LAGGING COMPUTER THAT IS TAKINGA DIARRHEA ON MY ALLOCATED WEBSPACE. GO INTERPRET AND ACT UPON YOUR FUCKING PATHETIC DEATH METAL LYRICS ON A LITERAL LEVEL AND START PERFORMING ITS VIOLENT, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE DEPICTIONS YOU SORRY ANIMALS. THAT'S ASSUMING IF YOU'VE EVOLUTIONARILY REACHED THE TOOL AGE TO BE CAPABLE OF ENDING YOUR FAGGOT LIVES THE RIGHT WAY YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS.
...AND DON'T FORGET TO HEADBANG AND TWIRL AROUND YOUR SIXTEEN INCH HAIR LIKE A FAGGOT! HERE COMES THE BLASTBEATS! GET SOME RHYTHM YOU DEAF CASES, CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
"HMM, I KNOW! *WHILE SCRATCHING YOUR GIFTED BABOON HEAD* ... IF THIS GUY SITS ON HIS FAT UNSANITIZED ASS ALL DAY AND RIDICULES METALHEADS FOR HOW PATHETIC THEY ARE, THEN HE MUST BE A SILLY DRAPE-HAIRED EMO KID!"
YEAH, JACKPOT, DEXTER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE "YOU'RE A VIRGIN" FOR $400 YOU FUCKING PATHETIC SORE LOSER? IF I MUST BE ANYONE WHO POTENTIALLY HATES A METALHEAD, THEN I MUST BE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:
- NIGGERS
- SAND NIGGERS
- APES AND MONKEYS
- JEWS
- WETBACKS
- ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
- TEACHERS
- STONERS
- COOL PEOPLE
- HOOKERS AND PROSTITUTES
- HOMOSEXUALS
- HETEROSEXUALS
- YOUR OWN MOTHER
- YOUR OWN FATHER
- THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR SPLIT PERSONALITY WHERE YOU LIVE YOUR SECRET LIFE AS "AUNT OLGA" AS A TRANSGENDERED NIGHTRIDER
- ANYONE WITH THE POTENTIAL OF SUCCESS
- ANYONE WITH THE POTENTIAL OF BEING LIKED
YOU DILDOS TEND TO LIKE TO BELIEVE YOU'RE SOME SORT OF ELITE COLLECTIVE. THIS TYPE OF DELUSION TEND TO OVERSHADOW THE REALITY OF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ALL NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FAT, HIDEOUS FUCKING SOCIALLY INEPT LOSERS WHO HAVE NEVER FELT THE MOISTURE OF A VAGINAL CONCAVE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL LIFE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SITE, YOU'RE WASTING MY BANDWIDTH WITH YOUR SLOW, LAGGING COMPUTER THAT IS TAKINGA DIARRHEA ON MY ALLOCATED WEBSPACE. GO INTERPRET AND ACT UPON YOUR FUCKING PATHETIC DEATH METAL LYRICS ON A LITERAL LEVEL AND START PERFORMING ITS VIOLENT, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE DEPICTIONS YOU SORRY ANIMALS. THAT'S ASSUMING IF YOU'VE EVOLUTIONARILY REACHED THE TOOL AGE TO BE CAPABLE OF ENDING YOUR FAGGOT LIVES THE RIGHT WAY YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS.
...AND DON'T FORGET TO HEADBANG AND TWIRL AROUND YOUR SIXTEEN INCH HAIR LIKE A FAGGOT! HERE COMES THE BLASTBEATS! GET SOME RHYTHM YOU DEAF CASES, CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
1 comment:
FUNNIEST REVIEW I'VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Emmure- Goodbye To The Gallows (3/10)
Look out everyone, it's Emmure's crushing Victory Records debut- a ten song mosh fest concept album about (drumroll please...) a guy whose girlfriend dumped him! Man, I remember when my girlfriend dumped me, and listening to this album just brought all those old feelings back. It's powerful dude, I just moshed my little body all over my room for like forty minutes!
Alright, let's get this over with. This cd is a joke. It opens with a breakdown, closes with a breakdown, and the middle is all breakdowns (minus one hilarious allusion to disturbed) and a 4 second "tech" chromatic run.
On top of that, the lyrics are pathetic. It literally is a concept album about a guy and a girl breaking up. The guy is really upset for nine songs, and on the tenth, he kills himself! That's gotta suck!
Moving on, obviously, being a mosh band, the musicianship isn't very impressive. The drummer has some pretty complex kick parts, and he seems to be fairly fast, but it's nothing to dwell on really. I feel very certain that you can judge the caliber of a musician by not just the technical complexity of his parts, but also the quality and creativity of the music being played, and in that respect, you really can't call these guys musicians. They're just dudes in a band.
The vocalist provides the only redeeming points on this record, because his voice is monstrous (albeit with an enormous amount of voice distortion) and he is very versatile as far as style. He has a large screaming range, he talks, he yells, he sings, and each are done well and are pretty memorable, despite the idiocy of the words being sung.
Production-wise it's a Victory Release. Triggered drums, crushing guitar that never leaves the gain below 10.9, and some bass drops and post production effects to tie up the package. There's no creative tracks or really anything about this album that expressly sets them apart at all from anyone, and it's no surprise. I don't know if you've heard of them or not, but this band is doing very well already by playing what kids want to hear. People don't want to take music seriously. It's all a big joke.
Posted by Ian at 7:50 PM
Labels: Emmure, Music
Post a Comment